Dramatic Emotional Exits And Destroyed Reputations

By Yael Grauer

There’s an episode of Girls where aspiring memoirist Hannah Horvath, played by Lena Dunham, decides that she wants to quit her job writing advertorials for Neiman Marcus at GQ. Her issues with the job were completely understandable. She wanted to be her best creative self, writing  for a greater cause than simply selling a product. She felt stifled in her role, and didn’t want to end up like her colleagues. And watching her social circle express their true creative talents in theatre and music certainly wasn’t helping.

Where did Hannah go wrong? Instead of submitting her resignation like a professional, she threw a temper tantrum during a brainstorming session, ripping into her colleagues and boss for squandering their writing talent. One by one, she details all of their personal and professional failures.

“Did you think you were going to grow up to be working in a sweatshop factory for puns?” she asks. “Maybe this is a cooler for dead souls!” Before being shown the door, she points out that she, herself, is truly authentic and expects more from life than her untoward colleagues. “Seriously, I want every day to be exciting and scary and a roller coaster of creative experience, as if I’m making a new life for myself in France,” she exclaims, painting herself in a far more favorable light than the poor, misguided souls left behind.

To anyone who’s never had the experience of leaving a job in quite this way, this type of dramatic exit may seem somewhat seductive. Years of being polite and professional and stifling legitimate concerns can create resentment, if not festering anger. But as someone who’s unfortunately taken the same path as Hannah, albeit in less dramatic fashion, I’m here to tell you that the destructive exit is not all it’s cracked up to be. Let me explain why.

The long-term reputational repercussions of a dramatic emotional exit

Your perceptions are often wrong

If you feel the overwhelming urge to lash out against someone for a perceived slight, it’s usually not a one-time occurrence. Typically, there’s  been some sort of conflict leading up to that moment. And while you may not realize it at the time, there are many layers and nuances to the conflict. You may have a larger role in it than you think. The object of your ire may not be entirely responsible for the situation. And, in the words of the late, great Anais Nin, “we don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Act with composure and professionalism, and you will never regret it. But if you fly off the handle at a perceived slight and later learn that you were mistaken, by the time you figure it out, it’ll be too late.

Fire is hard to contain

Hannah started her diatribe by laying into her boss and coworkers, and then proceeded to rip apart a colleague who was actually a good  friend. Sometimes, this is intentional, but more often than not, it’s just carelessness. In my own life, I’ve often wished I found a way to share strong opinions diplomatically in a one-on-one setting. Hitting cc: all or discussing certain things in group meetings or on a conference call can drastically escalate what could easily be resolved in a one-on-one meeting. So the real question is, do you want to solve a problem or do you want to ‘be right’? The latter often has unintended negative consequences.

Your mic is always on

In an excellent blog post on customer service, Derek Sivers describes the type of scene you’d see in a move, where a character “is saying something nasty or secret, and then realizes their microphone is on, so they immediately straighten up, correct themselves, and say the publicly-acceptable thing instead.”

“Well, your microphone is on,” he adds. “There is no private communication in customer service. Anything you say is likely to be put onto someone’s blog or Facebook, retweeted, and seen by everyone. So you must be the best version of yourself.”

That includes your own posts on Facebook, emails, public messages, tweets, even phone calls. Even if (best case scenario) your reaction seemed appropriate in context, the internet is forever, and other’s perception of what you said or wrote could change at the flip of a hat.

Even if a conversation isn’t aired publicly, the people at the meeting certainly won’t forget. Just ask yourself how you want them to remember you.

Circumstances change

Let’s look at Hannah’s situation again. Everything is impermanent, and roles shift regularly. In fact, sometimes it seems like the world of media, or even ad agencies, is a constant revolving door. What if Hannah’s former boss suddenly leaves the ad agency and decides to spearhead a popular news site? Or, let’s say Neiman Marcus wholeheartedly embraces the advent of content marketing, and the type of work available is less about rhyming ‘need’ with ‘tweed,’ and more about telling amazing stories.

Quitting a job in a professional manner doesn’t necessarily guarantee a smooth transition to an encore performance, but walking away in a firestorm of drama certainly crushes any lingering possibility.

Pick your battles

Any student of history knows that there is sometimes a time and place to raise some hell. In fact, certain circumstances, coupled with a sense of integrity and thirst for justice demand not only taking a stand but even putting oneself at personal risk. But not every moment is that moment.

Pick your battles wisely. It’s hard to have the energy to do so when you’re constantly reacting to perceived slights and getting in a tizzy over minor issues… let alone having to backpedal when you realized you overreacted, or that something you thought was personal really wasn’t.

A City of Burned Bridges

I used to have a print hanging up in my kitchen that said “may the bridges I burn light the way.” Sadly, that is not usually what happens. When I’ve reacted emotionally, I’ve regretted it each time. Once things have settled and I’m able to calmly analyze what happened, I always wish I would’ve taken a step back instead of reacting.

Even if I feel entirely justified in my behavior based on the circumstances, I know that reacting harshly doesn’t do me any favors. Unfortunately, the many years behind a positive reputation as a professional who acts thoughtfully and with composure can disappear in the blink of an eye, and people’s new impression of you is divorced from the circumstances.

It’s hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but I’ve now printed out a new adage for the digital age: “You don’t have to say everything you think.”